Dear PMS

Dear PMS,

I'm just going to go right out and say it. @#$% YOU PMS. STOP IT.

As if I didn't have enough problems taking things too literally, you have to go and make me feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE IS AIMED AT ME PERSONALLY! WHAT THE FRIG, MAN?! Why? *sniffle* Why do you have to do this to me, EVERY MONTH!?

And I'm pretty sure my family isn't too happy with you either. Can't you give me a break? Just one month where I don't notice you? C'mon. New Years' is coming! ....please? Please?

Love, Jo.

Dear Fellow Roleplayers

Dear Roleplaying Community,

(First December post, YAAAY)

I admit it. I am a roleplayer. I make up worlds and people and stories and play them with other people. On the internets. I've been roleplaying on the internet since I was about 12 years old, and been writing stories since I was able to actually write in English. I used to RP in a game based on the books of Tamora Pierce, but nowadays I stick to World of Warcraft or random roleplay with friends.

That being said... I have admittedly high standards when it comes to the people I roleplay with. I try to be open to newbies who want to learn, but I admit I can be harsh when it comes to that. I try not to be. I try to be nice.

I'm sure I'm not alone, either. There are many roleplayers out there who are considered elitist because they have standards as to who they associate with and the various skill levels they allow to play with them. While this can be a useful practice and keep the quality of your roleplaying experience in the high range, this can sometimes ostracize newbies and leave them alone and cold in the dark recesses of the internets that spawn Mary Sues and Marty Stus. 

BUT FEAR NOT, FAIR NEWBIES! There are many ways to impress veteran RPers who have issues being nice with you, largely because they have tried to teach many like you but found they were not Newbies, but Noobies. And as the old adage says, Once Bitten, Twice Shy. You will see this in many Veteran Rpers when you ask questions they find to be 'stupid' or 'obvious'. Do not be afraid to ask anyway! A good roleplayer never has ALL the answers about their chosen RP universe and they never stop asking questions of those more knowledgeable.

One of the best ways to make a good impression with your peers is to write the thing that will forever be a record and guide to your character: The Profile.

While not every RPG will require this, it is still a good thing to have on hand for quick reference. The Profile is more than a description of what your character looks like, it can contain information about their personality, their personal history and so many other nuances that make a character something enjoyable to experience.  I have filled notebooks over the years with Character Profiles.

Keep in mind, a Profile will not earn you love and admiration from Veteran roleplayers automatically, but a well written one is a step in the right direction.

Below is a template I've used for years and years that has worked for quite some time.





My hope is that if you go to use this template, it will help you flesh out your character by thinking 'hmmm. What about them should I put HERE?' If it is too confusing, feel free to go back to using the more basic bio template, or make your own custom one.

(Disclaimer: Jo is OCD and has very high standards, and is incredibly strange. And this is the template she uses to write character profiles in her paper notebooks. Feel free to make alterations as needed. And remember. The Slappin' Trout eats Mary Sues, Marty Stus and Badly Written Emos.)

[Basic Info] (This is pretty much things you would include in conversation when introducing yourself in some situations.)

Name: (Your character's full name here. Please try to pay attention to the universe in which you are playing! Don't steal names from Star Wars if you're playing in Battlestar Galactica and don't gank names from Middle Earth if you're in Azeroth!!!)

Nicknames:  (Pretty self explanatory.)

Class: (This can be an interesting field as some peoples' characters have multiple classes or are combinations of classes. Whatever universe you are playing in will usually have a set of classes premade.)

Level: (An optional field, I sometimes include this into the Age of the character.)

Titles: (Please. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE note that NOT EVERYONE -HAS- titles. Typically they are honorifically given by way of merits or by station, depending on your race or affiliation.)

Age: (This can be posted as say.. 'Kaldorei equivalent of 20' kind of thing, as many of us are not familiar with the various races' aging standards. This can vary from RPG to RPG.)

[Appearance] (This is what people see immediately upon seeing you for the first time. Remember that first impressions are the most important, and what you put into this category IS important.)

Hair: (Please keep in mind there are some colors that are NOT NATURALLY available to certain races.)

Eyes: (Please keep in mind there are some colors that are NOT NATURALLY available to certain races. Read up on your character's race before you go picking some colors.)

Skin: (Skin can include skin tone, complexion and any significant scars and tattoos.)

Build: (This is your character's physique, their body type. A word to the wise: A priest is NOT going to NORMALLY be as buff as a warrior and a paladin is not going to be sneaky as a rogue. A rogue or a hunter are not going to be buff as a warrior or a paladin, they would be leaner and sinewy, built for endurance, not strength. There ARE circumstances this can be altered, but remember that if it isn't normal, have a believable explanation.

This may also be where you can add in if they have a limp or other visible handicap.)

Extras: (This is typically where -I- put scars, piercings, tattoos and other defining physical markings, including missing limbs and the like.

Race: (If you are a roleplaying beginner, PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD stay away from HYBRIDS! Beginners who play hybrids are usually easily spotted... and are not treated well. If you MUST play a hybrid, PLEASE ask a veteran rper's input on your character before saying 'LAWL THEY'RE HALF DEMON OR SOME STUPID SHIT')


[Persona] (This category contains things that will not be immediately obvious upon people looking at you. While it isn't what people will see or know when first meeting you, this is an equally as important category as Appearance was. While the details put into this category are just as likely to change as you develop your character, please keep in mind that unless you are completely revamping your character OR they go through a VERY traumatic event, they are not likely to change completely at the drop of a hat unless they have some sort of psychosis.)

Personality: (This can contain a brief summary of your character's personality type. Are they a hero? Are they naive? Are they a dreamer? Are they a coward? This is where you will describe that, and be sure to include what MIGHT be evident by their body language upon meeting them. If someone is a timid or shy individual, they will be quiet and tend to keep to themselves. If they are an extroverted and confident person, they'd be out talking to people. Etc.)

Strengths: (This category and the next one do not need to be exceedingly detailed if you don't want them to be, but they are usually a very nice addition to your profile as it may give your character more approachability. Just keep in mind to keep them within normal limits, unless they are a more extreme personality type. And as a rule, do not INCLUDE the Strengths category if you OMIT the Weaknesses. That would just be douche-y.)

Weaknesses: (See Strengths, though Weaknesses is able to be included by itself, as it is not prone to godmodding.)

Extras: (This is where you should put things like odd quirks, tics and phobias. Little tidbits that make your character a little more 3 Dimensional. These are some of the things that make your character memorable. Just.. try not to go overboard with things like Phobias. Or, if you do, give a good reason for it in their History. Some phobias have no logical cause, but that needs to be explained. Make it believable. You can also include professions here.)


[History] (This is a biggie for an rp character, especially an active one. There are many styles to use, and many ways to write it. I advise, make it like a short story. Start with the early years, or whatever events preceding your character that are significant to their existence now. I don't mean copypaste WoWwiki or scenes from a movie or book the RPG is based on.

Try to make this easy to read, or no one WILL read it. Be careful with format, and with grammar. Keep your timeline consistent as you can, and be sure to refer back to this when writing subsequent threads and plotlines. This category, like the others, can be subject to change as you learn more about your character and the world they live in. Do try not to write any of these in the present tense, as that tends to make it very confusing.)

I: (This is where I'd put early years, childhood, etc, if you want to put them in.)

II: (Adolescence, or any significant happenings in those sort of time periods.)

III: (Adulthood and leading up to the present. This is where you lead out into the more recent threads and plotlines that are happening NOW.)

Current Threads and Plotlines: (This is where you can hyperlink to the threads, posts, short stories and plot lines that your character has been or is involved in. This is a field I usually include if I'm posting a profile on a forum or into a little website.This is where you can use present tense.)


And that is my Character Profile Template! Sometime soon I may include a few other little rants and guides as to help guide the RP Newbies of the world without ACTUALLY TALKING TO THEM.

3 AM, AWAAAAAAY

Love, Jo.

Dear James Patterson

Dear James Patterson,

Please. I am begging you. Get off TV. Stop starring in your own friggen commercials, and stop acting like you're God's gift to the literary world. (I'll get to Stephanie Meyer later) You are just using cheap psychology tricks to get your readers to keep buying. If you had any integrity as a writer, you would never have even considered an advertising thread that contained something like 'If you don't buy my books, I'll kill my most famous character!'

THE FANS DON'T CONTROL THE STORY. THE STORY CONTROLS THE STORY. STOPPIT. JUST STOPPIT.

Consider this your warning.

duhnuh. duhnuh. duhNUGHDUHNUH

Love, Jo.

EARWORMS 7

Gotta love a man that can love his cat enough to write a song about 'im.

Dear Undetermined Illness

Dear Illness,

Why must you make my life miserable? It is the day before--technically it IS Thanksgiving--Thanksgiving and tomorrow is the one day a year it is socially acceptable for me to want to eat EVERYTHING... and you reduce my already medicationally reduced appetite to zip. I literally had to FORCE myself to eat a mini bagel thing for dinner to stave off the dreaded Hypoglycemia.

You had best be on your way until FRIDAY. Because on FRIDAY, I don't have to go ANYWHERE. I want to enjoy this holiday. I don't want to feel like my brain has been half replaced by foam soaked in soapy water... and I don't want my stomach to feel like it doesn't need any food ever. (Well I want it to feel that way most of the time, but not aaaallllll the time.) Your welcome is not only worn out, it never existed. GO AWAY.

Love,
Jo

Dear Teenagers

Dear Teenagers of the World,

Pro Tip - THESE: 

ARE NOT FOR GETTING DRUNK.

If you do not agree, and are one of those intensely retarded people who think absorbing alcohol through your hoo-hah or your butt is fun and a worthy past time?

<Insert Psycho Music Here>

Remember kids: If you soak your tampons in booze and stick 'em up thar, the Trout shall find you, wherever your benders take you.

Love,
Jo

Dear Penn State

Dear Pennsylvania State University,

*clears throat* WHAT. THE. FRIG?!

Just... Just warn Sandusky that the Slappin' Trout will find him. ...And his lawyer. And all the retarded sports fans who at all, ever even for a millisecond entertained the thought of keeping him on as a coach until the end of some stupid sports season.

<Insert JAWS theme here>

In essence, all the stupid folk involved in this catastrophe? Beware my fishy wrath. Especially Sandusky.

Love,
Jo

Serious Post Time

I typically like to keep the material here more comedic and light if I can help it, but there is an issue I feel a need to express here. I'm sorry if you don't like me talking about something serious or if you don't like the issue I talk about here. If you don't, you can go read my previous posts or visit another blog until I get back to comedic content. For those who do want to keep reading after this, it will probably be a long one. I apologize if it gets lengthy and hard to follow, I'm pretty much blabbing out whatever my brain is feeling at the moment. It's one of those nights.



On Tuesday of this week, I got a call from a neuropsychologist I've been seeing. Finally she has come back with a definitive diagnosis as to what is wrong with my brain, and the verdict is: Asperger's Syndrome.

This is not really a surprise, my family and I have suspected this for the last few months and was the entire reason we went to this doctor, to confirm or deny that is what I have. We didn't just magically come up with this. My parents have put up with me and the way I am for 21 years, and always chalked my odder or less socially acceptable behavior as 'oh that's just Jo'. They saw an episode of a show called Parenthood, particularly an episode which featured a child who has a severe case of Asperger's Syndrome.

 Normally this would've just passed by uneventfully. First my mother mentioned to me offhandedly 'Y'know, this kid on a show dad and I are watching reminds me of you.' And naturally I pretty much said 'Cool story, awesome.' and went about life. About a week later, an event which has been entirely unprecedented in our family's long history of interfacing with one another: My father, independently of my mother mentioning how this kid on the show reminded her of me, turned to my mom and said: "Doesn't he remind you of Jo a little?"

And thus began our crusade to get me diagnosed. It started with a bunch of home research and ended this Tuesday, finally, with a phone conversation with my doctor.

Now, ever since I started being tested, I've been dealing with the concepts that some of my various character flaws--not being able to break certain patterns of behavior, constantly talking about myself no matter if my logical side is screaming at me to shut up and listen, interrupting people when they're talking, randomly sharing facts that sometimes are or aren't related to the conversation and the worst one of all, seeming to repel my peers and being socially ostracized--are not my fault. For nearly 21 years I have been seesawing between not caring and caring so deeply about these flaws that I feel/felt that because of these flaws I just didn't deserve to keep breathing. To learn that many of these behaviors are not just flaws I should be able to change, they're symptoms of a condition that make it nearly impossible to conquer them without outside help  is a simultaneous relief and stress. I still barely know how to feel about it.

For the first month of learning I might have this condition--and learning just how much of it fits my personality--I was frustrated because I hated how much of my personality and who I am fit a disease. Frustration that maybe all I was WAS this condition, fear of what that meant for me.

After the first month or so, dealing with the idea of having this condition I faced a new problem of learning when my actions were being affected by it. Which of my behavioral tics were Asperger's, and of course learning to know when that's what it was and it wasn't just me uncontrollably being a bitch. This is a part that I'm still learning about and will probably take years to master if I can master it at all. Once I graduated college, I found myself seesawing less and more sitting and staying at a deep depression that began to make me so apathetic that I just couldn't enjoy anything that I was doing with my time. My writing felt pointless, playing on my MMORPG World of Warcraft started to feel like a waste of time and money,  my volunteering at the local hospital felt like I just made life more difficult for all around me and had no real bearing on whether or not I am employable. And hunting for a job felt ultimately futile because there were no jobs, I was not qualified enough and I was far too socially awkward to work in the real world..

In essence, I began to feel like if I ceased to exist, the lives of those around me would become easier and free from the constant annoyance I provided. Now, I was no stranger to these feelings to begin with, but following my graduation from college they came to an almighty strong head that I am still having problems pulling myself out of.

Having a definitive diagnosis is bittersweet at best. I'm glad to finally have an answer rather than trying to guess and match symptoms to a condition by myself. But at the same time, I guess I kind of hoped I was normal, that it was everyone else who had a problem. I'm not sure exactly why I'm dismayed. Maybe it's the depressive part of me that is trying to put a feeling of dismay on nearly everything in my life.

I guess right now, I'm just trying to understand myself, if not to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not asking to love myself, that's impossible and unrealistic, but to not feel quite so close to a point where in my head every breath I take is robbing someone more important of that air. That it's okay that I'm alive and it's okay that I am how I am. I want to NOT be paranoid that everything I say to a friend is the wrong thing and I've annoyed them into being angry with me. I want to NOT feel that I don't deserve the friends I have. I want to NOT feel as though all around me only interface with me because they either have to or feel obligated to because they feel sorry for me. I want to NOT feel like a burden on my family and friends, either financially or emotionally. I know I may never achieve those things, but I heavily pray that I will.. or that if I don't, I fulfill God's purpose for me and at least survive until that's done.

Dear Spiders

Dear Spiders,

I regret to inform you that you can go to hell and never allow me to see you ever again. Seriously.

I mean it. Go away. I don't care if you do your spider thing, just do it somewhere I can't see it. Because I must tell you, if I SEE you doing your arachnid thing in my vicinity or if I see you at all, I'm going to squish you. Or get someone else to squish you. If you want to continue to live your spidery life, you need to do it where I can't see you. For your own safety, you understand.

THAT MEANS DON'T DROP ONTO MY SHOULDER WHILE I'M IN A MOVING CAR AND THUS AM UNABLE TO RUN AWAY!

We good? Good.

Love Jo.

Dear Disposable Razors

SUUUUUUUUCK

 

Dear Disposable Razors,

YOU SUCK.

I cut my finger on one last night. Ow.

Dear Stupid People

Dear Stupid People,

This letter is addressed to the following kind of stupid:

• People who text in traffic.
• People who text in traffic and flip ME off when I honk at them.
• Twilight Fans
• Vegans/Vegetarians who 'don't eat meat because it's cruel to the animals' and yet still eat Jell-O and Marshmallows or wear leather/faux leather apparel.
• The brain trust behind the Jackass movies. 
• People on the internet who have access to spellcheck and yet STILL type like this 'hi how r u? lol' And think that it's a quicker way to type. (Guess what. It isn't. Because then you gotta type it AGAIN the RIGHT way to get my attention.)
• Twilight Fans (Worth mentioning twice.)
• Politicians
• Parents who blame their kids' bad behavior on violent movies and video games, when they are the ones buying them these things.
• Paris Hilton
• The "Real" Housewives of whatever-city-they're-in-now.
• George Lucas
• The USA's Accountant
• Chuck Norris
• Any other stupid types I forgot to mention.

You are warned.

THE SLAPPING TROUT

The Slappin' Trout will find you.

Love Jo

Dear Craig Ferguson

Dear Craig Ferguson,

First and foremost, let me say that I greatly enjoy your comedy. I adore Scotsmen and I even set my satellite's autotune to your newest special.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Ferguson! I adored the special! It was just as, if not more entertaining than your previous ones. I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time, and it was just what I needed after a few weeks of emotional and hormonal turmoil and doing battle with a life change.

But, for all I enjoyed every minute of your special... I find I must ask you to do ONE thing.

PLEASE TO BE EXPLAINING THIS:

There are three questions I have regarding this particular bit of your routine.

1: WTF is up with the black dude and the gay dude?
2: Why Britney Spears?
3: Is there ANY way I could request that you come and do this for me live for my next birthday? (July 18th. ;3)

Your loving fan,

Jo

I LIVE! AND I'M HUNGRY.

Wow, I haven't posted in awhile. Let's try to update all at once:

Graduated college
Started Jobhunting
Still Jobhunting
...More Jobhunting
Grandmother had surgery
Dad had surgery
I got distracted by World of Warcraft some more.

What else? Uh. No clue. I'll start writing my letters again soon.

-Jo

Dear College

Dear College (Not just my own college, any college. In fact, College Education in general),

You are like a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend! And here's why:

1. You don't want me to pay attention to anyone but you.
2. You do nothing but drill uninteresting and largely unwanted information into my earholes...
3. You are a gold digger! All you ever want is for me to pay more and more money for things that should not cost as much as they do! You do not NEED to have nice things!

And finally:
4. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CRAWL UNDER MY BED AND SLEEP FOR A MONTH. I NEED TO SLEEP. IF I DON'T SLEEP, I GET CRANKY AND UNPLEASANT AND NO ONE LIKES ME.

I only have this to say:

IN SEPTEMBER I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU. IT IS NOT ME, IT'S YOU. I AM NOT COMING BACK AND I WANT THOSE 2 YEARS OF MY LIFE BACK.

Love, Jo.

Dear Panera Bread

Dear Panera Bread,

There are only so many ways to express affection. Especially to something that is not human, but to something that has no real defineable classification. Some would say you are a simple restaurant, but I believe you are more than that. You serve healthy food at reasonable prices that actually TASTES GOOD. You give me free food every now and then when I use my rewards card, and it makes my day.

It's simple things like that which inspire the deepest love and loyalty. <3

Panera Bread, I luv you.

Love Jo

Dear Animal Planet

Dear Animal Planet,

As you know, I normally have no beef with you other than the 'STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT DONATING MONEY I DON'T HAVE TO THE ASPCA!' thing. But for this recent annoyance, I have to say something.

BIGFOOT DOES NOT EXIST. YOU ARE PUTTING FALSEHOODS AND STUPIDITY ON YOUR CHANNEL. STOP IT NOW.

If you're gonna go after make believe creatures, there are much more interesting ones to pursue! Loch Ness! Leprechauns! Intelligent Twilight Fans!

Sasquatch simply do not exist. And I don't care if you believe that they do, it's silly. The most sasquatch is good for is selling beef jerky at this point. If you're going to believe in a fake creature, at least make it interesting, for Pete's sake... Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves, Faeries, Unicorns... all of these share one commonality: THEY ARE FUN TO THINK ABOUT. Sasquatch? They're hairy, smelly and ugly. Even if it is the 'missing link' between humans and monkeys, who cares? What good will it do at this point in time? NOOOTHIIIIIING.

See, now if you had discovered UNICORNS?! That's a valid scientific find since the rumors are that their horns can purify the dirtiest water and cure disease. What can a ''squatch'' cure?

....Don't got it? Lemme give ya a hint:


NOOOOOOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Now if we put the money spent on research into things like Ghosts and stupid things like Bigfoot, we would have cured AIDS by now, I swear. Got no priorities these folks...

Anyway. S'all I got. GOODNIGHT.

Love Jo

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE FACEBOOK GAME 6/27/2011

O.M.G. It has been entirely too long since my last apocalypse team was selected.

SHALL WE GET STARTED? (yes, I've had some sugar. And coffee. Be afraid.)

AND THE PLAYERS ARE:

1. Brenda O'Brien
2. Gillian Hughes-Fenchel
3. Erin Shields
4. Emily Nicholson
5. Jennie Breeden

Well then, gogo estrogen gogo! Got an interesting team here. This'll be a challenge to calculate. Maybe.

1. Aunt Brenda! You seem to pop up in these teams quite a lot. Are you trying to tell me something? Anyway. I am STILL not sure what your zombie fighting capabilities are, but at the very least your house could probably be used as shelter from the impending hordes of undead.

2. Gillian. ...Yeah, I wouldn't mess with you if I were a zombie. I wouldn't put it past you to attach chainsaws to a shovel and go to town. I hereby request a photo of you wielding a shovel or a chainsaw to include in this post. You are a formidable undead fighter.

3. Erin--DUDE YOU HAVE BEEN ON ALMOST ALL MY ZOMBIE FIGHTING TEAMS WTF.

4. Emily has goats. And corgis. Both mortal enemies of the zombie. Emily has da minions.

5. I think just about anyone who has heard of or knows Jennie Breeden fully understands why zombies would not stand a chance against this boot-clad bottle of insanity. (For the uninitiated, go find the devil's panties comic and read all of them.)

Estimated survival chance: 100%

Jennie Breeden and Gillian in the same group? Zombies don't stand a chance!

TUNE IN.. NEXT TIME FOR MORE ZOMBIE FIGHTING GOODNESS.

Dear Pharmacology/Birthday

Dear Pharmacology,

Through dosages untold and drugs unnumbered I fought my way through--

Okay yeah. Pharmacology isn't looking to be as hard as I thought it was going to be. But durnit if I'm gonna come to class on my birthday this year for my first quiz? I wish I had a fancy costume or hat to wear to class to celebrate. After all, it's my FREAKIN' 21ST BIRTHDAY WHOOOOOO.

Not that I expect much hub bub over that. I do, however, have a small birthday wishlist just for the heck of it.

Ready?
1. Galaxy Chocolate (ESPECIALLY MINSTRELS and normal milk chocolate bars.)
2. A cat tree for my kitties. (As you know Valoran tends to use ME as a climbing post in the absence of one.)
3. More underwears. Or clothing in general.
4.  Winged Guardian mount for World of Warcraft.
5. Strawberry Daquiri
6. My first tattoo
7. New pillows, maybe even a body pillow.

Aaand that's all I can think of. Bweeeeh. Of course, other than cash. Cash is always good. *nodnod*

I'm gonna be 21. It's pretty trippy--and before you people who are 30+ start whining that I don't know what I'm talking about, stoppit. I'm allowed to be amazed at being 21, particularly SURVIVING TO 21. Do you know how amazing that really is?--because I realized that Michael J Fox is 50 this year. I've decided he is not ALLOWED to be 50 because Back to the Future is still one of my favorite movie trilogies of all time. So he's not allowed to be 50. Not until I'm 30.

Lessee. What else... OMG I HAVE TO DO A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE TEAM POST! Stay tuned!

Love Jo

Dear SWFC

Dear Southwest Florida College,

I would like to inform you that if the phone call I received this afternoon is going to inform me that one or more of my classes are not available suddenly... this is what will happen to you:

Any questions?

Love Jo

Dear NicePeter

Dear Nice Peter ,

Let me say first and foremost you are brilliant.

And let me say second YOU BROKE MY BRAIN.


And here's how:

I don't know which to commentate on first! I'M CONVINCED THEY'RE BOTH A MAN/WERE A MAN AT ONE TIME!

If I have an aneurysm my family is going to sue you. Just saying.


Love Jo

PS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH TT^TT

PPPS: I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT'S LIKE YOUTUBE CRACK

Also: Nice Peter wins the internet. This is the best youtube stuff I've seen in years.

And... I have suggestions for your future rap battles.

Nicola Tesla vs The Mythbusters (I'm fairly sure you could get the REAL Mythbusters on board for that.)
Malcolm Reynolds VS Captain Kirk.
Cleopatra VS Marie Antoinette
Jayne versus Worf.
Simon VS McCoy ("I'm a doctor, not 50 Cent!")
Spock VS Legolas
Arthas VS Sauron.
Gandalf VS Dumbledore (Kind of rigged, but still fun.)
Seth Green VS Seth McFarlane
Batman VS Superman/Spiderman
Varian/Anduin Wrynn VS Garrosh
Sylvanas VS Kerrigan
Stephen King VS Dean Koontz
Tamora Pierce VS Stephanie Meyer
Selene from Underworld VS Bella from Twilight
Rasputin VS Vlad the Impaler

Like these? I got plenty more where that came from.


UPDATE:

I thought of a few more. Cuz I'm bored.

Sean Spencer (Psych) vs That Mentalist Dude (Y'know, the blonde one.)
Chris Rock vs Ralphie May
George Lopez vs Eric Estrada
Amy Lee vs  Britney Spears
Casper vs The Ghostbusters

Dear Cat

Dear Valoran,

I know World of Warcraft is addictive and looks like fun...

BUT JUMPING ON MY LAP/COMPUTER WHEN I'M DPSIN' A DUNGEON IS NOT HOW TO PLAY!

But Moooooom! I wanna be a warlock!

No buts!

Plus warlocks suck.

Nuh uh. Warlocks kick your ass every--

WARLOCKS SUCK.

Love Jo

PS: When I publish a book I'll invest in designing a cat-friendly keyboard and mouse.

YAAAAAY!

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE TEAM GAME SUPER BOREDOM EDITION 6/3/2011

Being bored at school sucks so GUESS WHAT YOU GET ANOTHER ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE TEAM GAME!

(Also I lied, I don't have the attention span to do this every day. So I have to do it whenever I have the energy/will to do so. If you have a particular craving for one, feel free to tell me.)

For added fun, I think I'm gonna up my list to 7 members from 5 today. Because it's my team and I can.

*clicks* ...Holy crap.

1.  Erin Shields
2. Diane Gutierrez
3. Alex Myers (Bagpipes)
4. Kayla Mortenson
5. Brenda O'Brien
6. Camille Lecointre
7. Ty Ritter

Okay, since I AM super bored, I am going to go into detail as to what each of these peoples brings to the table.

1. Erin Shields - Has experience in infiltrating zombie territory and is a mistress of disguise. Her skills to deceive the zombie population into believing that she is not only one of them but is the best zombie ever guarantee we'd always be one step ahead.

2. Diane Gutierrez - While I'm not sure just as to what my dear Aunt's previous experience fighting zombies is, I DO know she and I are both horror film buffs. That alone assures that she would at least not make the stupid mistakes everyone seems to be unable to resist in some of our favorite flicks. Her knowledge of horror film rules would be a definite plus.

3. Alex Myers - He's Scottish. The Scottish can do anything.

4. Kayla Mortenson - Kayla, sweetie, ilu, but I have NO IDEA what you can do to defend against zombies. Are you any good with flamethrowers or shovels?

5. Brenda O'Brien - My stepdad's sister. This almost requires her to be proficient with a shotgun or at least have the sense to shoot a loved one in the face if they're zombified instead of standing there like a fish outta water going 'buhbuhbut they're mah husband/daughter/sibling'.

6. Camille Lecointre - It isn't your birthday today, dude. I think you might end up dying first. Unless you of course have your mad acting and kung-fu skills. In that case you're going into a room first before me.

7. Ty Ritter - Oh man, you cosplayers. You probably have some clever way to use your costumes as armor or fake weaponry that can serve better as blunt objects than actual swords or such. Or at the very least you can go on the shovel brigade :D


Okay. Weighing all of this in and calculating it in my own lil' head... I and my team's survival rating would be: 103%

Am I still bored? ...well now that this is over, YES. I am.

 EDIT: WAIT! Justin Digesu has supplied me with the most awesome zombiefighting instructional video EVER. Observe:

Dear Sinus Meds

Dear Sinus Medications,

You... yeah. You make it hard for me to think when I use the off brand. The name brand lets me think like a normal person but the off brand is making me want to just put my head down in class and

forget what Iw as saying. Okay,k you suck. In summary.

YOU SUCK OFF BRAND CORICIDIN.


Love Jo

Dear Homework

Dear Homework,

You are such a sadist. You honestly enjoy watching me squirm, avoid you, agonize over you and then inevitably caving into spending time with you, however unpleasant.

I think we should see other people.

It's not me, it's you.

Love, Jo.

PS: No really, it's you.

Random Thought of the Day II

.... Crap I forgot my random thought. Gimme a second and one'll come back around.
.............
...............



  Bruce Lee looks like a Romulan. o.o







....eeeeeeyeeeeebrrooooooowws....

EARWORMS 6

.... *BAWWWWWWLS*

Guess what? ZOMBIE TEAM OF 5/27/2010

And the winners/zombie food are....

Camille Lecointre
Melissa Johnson-Hill(You're in here a lot, dude. You best be displaying some zombie fightin' skills.)
Brenda O'Brien
Danielle Pacheco
Michael Delopa


Survival Rating: 14%.

Y'know why? BECAUSE IT'S CAMILLE'S BIRTHDAY! EVERYONE KNOWS BIRTHDAYS MEAN THE ZOMBIES WIN! IT'S ZOMBIE RULES! So happy birfday Camille, darlin', and try not to let the zombies eat you first :D

Dear Housewives of Whatever City You're In Now

Dear "Real" Housewives,

Real housewives don't have TV shows.

See Below:

This is you. Or some of you.

This? IS AN ACTUAL HOUSEWIFE. Please note, she's SCRUBBING HER OWN OVEN. Aaand how many of you are actually hiring NANNIES to care for your kids?


The conclusion? "Real" Housewives are far different from ACTUAL Housewives. Thank you. Please note the difference and amend your show title. Or get off TV already. :D Either works for me!

Love Jo


PS: Acceptable replacement titles for your show would be: Trophy Wives, Barbie Wannabes... and I don't even want any royalties if you use 'em. :D

Zombie Apocalypse Team 5/24/2011

Aaand it's Tuesday!

Today's Team IS: Townsend Eric Thorndike, Kevin P. McBrearty, Heidi Yeung, Anthony Hufford aaaand... Ana Demelo-Cloutier.

Survival Rating: 89%

Pretty sure Townsend is VERY skilled in zombie killing. Or at least dual wielding a shovel and a chainsaw at the same time. Kevin probably knows more about zombies than I do, Heidi is Asian so when she eventually GETS to the states to be part of my team she'll have fought through more zombies than anyone on the planet. Twitch..? ...uh. Yeah. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO AGAINST ZOMBIES. Ana? Again. Got two hands, you can probably wield a shovel quite handily. Or a frying pan. DO IT SAMWISE STYLE!

EARWORMS 6

GAHHHHH. ACHRIUS! WHYYYYYYY

I mean AFI is awesome, but THE EARWOOOOORMS.

Zombie Apocalypse Team 5/23/2011

Today is MONDAY! Which means... ZOMBIE TEAM ASSEMBLE!

*A few clicks later*

Ian Kewley, Amity Booth, Alyssa Anne Gray, Justin Wagner and Patrick Conners.


*Insert a long pause here. Lots of ellipses.* Yyyyeah. This is a tough one. While I know that Justin Wagner would probably ride in on a pony and kick ass... I have NO idea what the rest of ya'll would do.

Gonna call a fair estimate a Survival Rating of: 52%

This Message is Brought to you By

Gatorade.

And Two Lumps

Zombie Apocalypse Facebook Game!

I'm sure everyone has heard of this game by now, and if not, you're about to.

THE FACEBOOK ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE GAME GOES LIKE THIS:

1. Go to your facebook profile.
2. See who the first five people on your randomly generated friendslist thingy on the left side of the page are.
3. After seeing and listing them, consider their various zombie fighting skills and then decide on your survivability rate.
4. Post this to make them feel either awesome or like future Zombie Food.

I think I'm gonna start doing this EVERY DAY. So pay attention!

My Zombie Apocalypse Team for 5/20/2011 is:
Townsend Eric Thorndike
Amy Stewart
Melissa Johnson-Hill
Jennie Breeden
Danielle Pacheco

Survival Rate: 98.18%
Since Townsend is an artist, he and Amy can so totally make us up to look like zombies so we can fool them. Plus Jennie Breeden would probably scare the crap out of the zombies. Or become a double agent. Melissa... uh. Not sure, but I'm pretty sure she can swing a shovel competently, unless she has some other zombie apocalypse weapon of choice. Danielle? Mah cousin be a hairdresser. Do you have any idea how awesome it would be for her to style wigs on mannequins  as decoys?

And that, my friends, is how you play the FACEBOOK ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE GAME! Tune in tomorrow to see who is on my next team and whether or not they'll get all of us eaten.

Dear Public Speaking

Dear Public Speaking (In all your forms and guises),

Why must you make my life miserable? I may be able to talk to anyone, but to talk to several someones at once? About stuff I don't care about? That's just mean!

You kinda suck. So, yeah. Go die in a fire.

Love Jo

~_~ Dear Self

Dear Self,

I know you're not the best at self preservation or the retention of basic survival skills lately.. but you really need to quit forgetting to eat. Seriously. One of these days you might end up in a diabeetus coma.

COMAS ARE NOT FUN. (Not that I've ever experienced one, but I assume they're not pleasant.) DON'T DO IT.


Love Jo

PS: Get mom to buy you more pizza pocket snack thingies. And juice. Possible orange juice, because it's time for more variety, or maybe that minute maid fruit punch. Oh, and yogurt because yogurt goes great with your waffles.

PPS: DON'T FORGET THE RITZ BITZ.

Hypoglycemia...? Awesome. (Warning: Long post, no pictures.)

As some of you may know (primarily family or people who are forced to be in close proximity to me while I talk their ears off) I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Now, the gist of this is my ovaries totally go "Y'know what would be awesome? HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND BLOOD SUGAR YAAAAY" and frigs my body chemistry up.

As some of you may ALSO know, I have recently been prescribed a medication that has been helping me to lose weight. (Next weigh in is this sunday! woooo) What this stuff does is it makes my stomach not empty itself so fast so I feel fuller faster and fuller longer when I eat or drink stuff. So far it has been absolutely wonderful and I've almost lost 30 pounds on this stuff.

The downside...? Yeah. I recently learned what 'feeling fuller longer' can do to me. When I go to school, some days it's a 4-8 hour day sitting in a classroom while my butt gets tired. What happened on THIS PARTICULAR THURSDAY was that I took my pathophysiology midterm and went home. What I failed to realize was that I had forgotten/neglected to eat lunch because I didn't even feel hungry so I figured why should I eat? That's just more calories and calories will turn me into a big ol' fat hippo again. (I don't know why I chose hippo, perhaps because it's fun to say.)




If you are ever in close proximity to me on a day I have neglected to eat and you notice this? Force me to eat a banana or a sandwich or some manner of food item I can stomach. Because what happened later was amazing. Due to my body being insulin resistant, I'm used to being hyPERglycemic and having to restrict any and all sugar intake.

When I got home from the midterm, it was only noon. So I talked to my mom for a bit and we ended up in the car to go swimming at my aunt's house. I ended up having to have mom pull over so I could retch and attempt to vomit becasue I had nothing in my belly and apparently I didn't have any bile either. Luckily--and what probably saved me from a diabetic coma--I had a half eaten bag of skittles in my jeans pocket. So I ate those on the way to my aunt's house and when we got there I got the idea to test my blood sugar to see if it was within normal limits.

Guess what my blood sugar reading was.

71. After eating SKITTLES. Skittles are like... pure sugar. How friggen low was my sugar BEFORE skittles if it only raised it to 71?! Friiiiiiig.

So now I have to be careful to at least eat 1000 calories a day or at least one sugary thing in absence of that. I'm not sure exactly, all I know is I don't wanna do that again because it took me 2 days to recover from it. :<

But so far? I'M STILL ALIIIIIIIVE!! *dances*

Dear Coffee

Dear Coffee (Aka Java, Joe, Mud, GET ME MY DAMN COFFEE)

You are a wonderful substance. You help people get up early in the morning and still be able to function at ungodly hours of the morning. You also help students stay up late to finish projects due the VERY NEXT DAY.

You also have social uses! If you want to express interest in someone, they simply have to ask the object of their desire if they want to go have a cup of Coffee with them.

If only I could find a guy as useful, reliable and delicious as you, the world would be complete.

Love Jo

EARWORMS 5

I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE SONG.

Dear Whoever Decided Hairless Legs are Sexy

Dear Whoever-Your-Face-Is,

I HOPE YOU DIE BY OVERGROWN HAIR GROWING INTO YOUR BRAIN OR CONSTANT BODY HAIR WAXING.


That is all.

Love Jo

EARWORMS 4

Here we go again, I got a song stuck in my head...

I lost more weight!

*Does a victory dance*

I lost more weiii-eight, I lost more weiiii-eight...

Here is my previous weigh in--(I'm keeping pictures so I can remember exactly. I'm bad with remembering numbers.)--

And here's my current weigh in!

I'm so happy ^^

Dear Voltaren Gel

Dear Voltaren Gel,

Thank you for relieving my knee pain.

However:

STOP SMELLING SO BAAAAAAD. ALL I CAN SMELL IS YOUR GELLY, MEDICINAL ODOR! CEASE AND DESIST!

Love Jo

Dear Criss Angel

Dear Criss Angel AKA "Mindfreak"

A POPCORN commercial, REALLY?

STOP BEING AN ATTENTION WHORE PLZ.

Love Jo.

Random Thought of the Day

Northern States get at least one Snow Day a year...

Wouldn't it be fair if us southerners got at least one Hurricane/Rain Day a year?

PLAGUE OF LOVE BUGS

Okay. This is getting more than ridiculous...


DEAR LOVE BUGS, STOP FORNICATING IN THE AIR AND NEAR MY CAR. THIS IS DANGEROUS AND MAKES ME WANT TO KILL YOU ON SIGHT. 

NO LOVE FOR YOU.
Jo

EARWORMS 3

LISTEN TO IT. LISTEN.

Random Thought of the Day

My random thought of the day:

If Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy... What is Rum proof of?

Dear Edge Shave Gel

Dear Edge Shave Gel,

Your attempt to imitate Old Spice's wildly effective and popular commercials with the hot black guy get the following rating:

Mediocre at best. Maybe a 3 outta 10. Mostly a 2 for lack of originality.

There is no flatrery in this imitation. THERE IS ONLY SHAME.

Love Jo

Dear Liberty Mutual

Dear Liberty Mutual Insurance,

Er. There is a flaw in your 'one model year newer' plan. My car is an old POS. Like, over 10 years old.

NO SALE PLZ.

Love Jo

NEW GLASSES TIME!

I got new glaaaaaasses. I got new glaaaaaasses!

Here they are!

Aaand here they are on my head: 

Yay, derpface! I have a few more. Here!

Srs face. 

Wow, my eyebrows are red in that pic. Just got 'em waxed. They lookin' good!

Aaand...

Really curly hair! YAY! It's getting longer. o.o

EARWORMS (2)

*does the Earworm dance* I got an earworm, now I give it to youuuuu~

Had enough? Here's something to help get rid of it (I love this song): 

Dear Anti-Grammar Enthusiasts

Dear Anti-Grammar Enthusiasts (Also known as trolls, twinks, n00bs, 14-year-olds trying to look 'cool'. [Also, bad grammar is not cool... it makes the Gator Faerie sad. T^T])



There are some circumstances in which bad grammar in typing is acceptable and even fun.

1. Sugar highs.
2. Coffee AND sugar highs.
3. Joking around
4. Disabilities (Broken fingers, arthritis, only having one hand/arm/appendage to which digits are somehow attached.)
5. English as a second language.
6. Poor proficiency in typing.

There are also situations in which bad grammar is NOT acceptable or fun. Those include:

1. Professional Emails
2. Emails to people complaining about internet comedy. (See The Oatmeal )
3. Arguments on the internet in which your opponent is typing better than you. This is perceived as weakness. (See Battle of Wits Tshirt )

EVERYTHING aside, I have a brain tease for you.

People always complain about people not from this country not speaking or typing proper English. But you have to consider something: English is the only language in which NATIVE BORN SPEAKERS have to take classes in it from grade school.

How do we expect other people to pick it up faster than we do?

Love Jo!

Adventures in Dress Sizes

I'm sure every girl has tried on at least one fancy gown, be it for prom, a wedding, some kind of... prom-wedding....

Here's what it looked like when it fit:

Here's what happens when I decide to walk down memory lane now that I've lost some weight. My family--instead of immediately coming to my aid when they heard my bawling in dresstress--decided to grab the cameras! (And webcams, in my  brother's case. I will be trawling youtube for that...)
 (PS Amy, your dress is fine, I just needed assistance to find the zipper to escape it.)

 Yes this is my living room. We don't use it much, cept for exercising and storage. That's my aunt's couch and dining room set against the wall there. We don't have basements or attics in Florida...

Anyway I ended up waddling my still-chubby butt out there looking for help.

Didn't realize brother was in the pic here. Gotta wonder what he's thinking.

Oh wait, I KNOW :D

EARWORMS

IT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD. NOW YOU HAVE IT THAR TOO.

You all have Justin Wagner to thank for it. :D



(If you don't know what an Earworm is, it's a song that gets stuck in your head and won't go away until you replace it with something equally as annoying. LIKE THIS ONE: )

Dear PMS

Dear PMS,

You suck. You make being a woman four times as hard as it usually is, on us and those around us. Whyyyy?

What did we do to deserve the unpredictable roil of hormonal mood swings?! T^T Whatever we did, tell us and we'll stoooop!

Anyway. This's a great empowerment song for when you feel like crawling in a hole and never ever coming out cept to grab at the chocolate offerings your family/significant other/friends/people who fear you leave for you.

And this one because it's badass. (I don't watch American Chopper. I don't really care for the show, sorry if you do. I do however love this song. So yah. HERE IT BE.)

Love Jo

Dear Love Bugs

Dear Love Bugs,

Your name is a total misnomer. There is no way anywhere that you gross little black bugs are lovable or cuddly and pleasant to be around. Stop flying around and scaring me by pretending to be wasps.


And stop making big ol' smears on my vehicles! STOP MATING IN THE ROAD! IT IS NOT SAFE!

Love Jo

Dear Madagascar

Dear Madagascar,

Lemurs are awesome.

That is all.


Love Jo.

Dear Cat

Dear Cat,

I love you too, but sitting and howling outside doors I'm behind does not make me come out there to pet you faster. Hopping in my lap and capturing my hands while I'm raiding doesn't either.

Love Jo.


PS: The howling goes double when I'm on the toilet.
PPS: If you want to play WoW, Valoran, grow thumbs or learn to type.

This is the kitty trying to prevent me from playing on my computer. And from watching TV.

Dear Food Cravings

Dear Food Cravings,

While you can be a lot of fun, you are also very dangerous. First I crave brownies... then I crave twizzlers. Then I crave potato soup, and then more brownies, and now Papa John's breadsticks with the garlic butter and marinara dipping sauces...

Either feed me or stop. o_o

Love Jo

Dear ASPCA Commercials

Dear ASPCA Commercials,


STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. IF I DONATE TO YOUR STUFF WILL YOU NEVER SHOW YOUR COMMERCIALS ON MY TELEVISION OR ANY TELEVISION I HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING AT EVER AGAIN?

No? THEN NO MONEY FOR YOU.

(All my cats have been rescues. I'm not against the ASPCA, I'm just anti-anything-that-will-make-me-cry-while-I'm-PMSing.)

Love Jo


PS: SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME IN AN HOUR THAT COMMERCIAL HAS COME ON *BAWLS*

Dear Weekends

Dear Weekends,

You rock, but need to be longer.

Love Jo

Demonstrative Speech? I have to DO something? In front of PEOPLE?

Well, having hurdled the descriptive speech...

What am I supposed to do for a DEMONSTRATIVE? What do I DO that I can show to others?

Maybe I can try demonstrating how I come up with an idea for a story or a character or just ideas in general?

Show them how to make my chocolate chip cookies? What else do I doooo?!

THE LAZY WAVE STRIKES HARD.

(Seriously, wtf am I gonna do, here?)

Watching Teachers be Taught....

Well this is just weird. I come in for my Hospital Billing class and what do I find? Half the classroom has been taken up by instructors! Some of which I've had for classes before! What're they here for?

Looks like they're gettin' some training involving the new ICD coding system... And... my class is not taking place. This is strange. Sitting in a classroom and watching teachers be just like us when we're joking around in class..

THE NATURAL ORDER HAS BEEN DISTURBED. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I'M GONNA GO EAT SOME SKITTLES NOW.

Dear Dr. Scholl's Fast Flats

Dear Dr Scholl's Fast Flats.

ilu.

Love Jo

Dear School

Dear School,

While I do acknowledge that you are important in the lives of many, I feel I have to bring up the fact that you suck quite a bit. Causing sleep deprivation and stress is not cool.

Love Jo

Dear Easter Candy

Dear Easter Candy Companies (Except cadbury),

I do hope you are aware that some recipes are not to be copied. Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme is one of them. I don't like most Hershey's Chocolates, but Cookies 'n' Creme is a dear favorite of mine and making it with cheap(er) ingredients is just... sad. You've gone and made me sad. I hope you are happy.

Love Jo

PS: Cadbury is exempt because Cadbury Creme Eggs redeem any confectionary transgressions.

Hurrah! First Post!

Whee! My first blog post. 

...Okay, so new at this. Y'know, it figures I'd pick the most boring day I ever had to start a blog :D

Oh, I know! I'll explain why it's called Gator Faerie! YAY.

It isn't that I'm a big fan of the Gators or anything, or alligators in general... But one night when I was up way too late and REALLY BORED... I went on a site called iScribble and started doodling.

And this is it! My Gator Faerie. It's actually the best gator I've ever drawn. Or maybe the best animal I've drawn!

And... that's it for now I guess. Here's hoping my next posts will be far more interesting and informative.

-Jo