It's funny how patterns repeat themselves in your life sometimes. Even if you've been badly hurt by one before, if you're anything like me, you tend to repeat them anyway. My particular brand of Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism comes with a very strong Obsessive Compulsive side, to the point that my neuropsychologist was uncertain for a time which I had: OCD or Autism Lite.
In the end, she determined Autism Lite is the primary, and OCD secondary. I have accepted this and have been doing my best to cope with knowing I have these mental disorders.
But very recently--the last couple of days in fact--it has come to my attention that I have been repeating a destructive behavior.
When I was a child, I was bullied very badly. This resulted in my being removed from the public school system and schooled at home using electronic means of education. It also gave rise to my using more electronic means to socialize as well as some 'real life' means. My first true best friend was someone I met in an RPG chatroom based on my favorite book series at the time. She and I were friends for eight years...
But over the years I soon began to become aware that this friend's behavior towards me was harmful. Because I was so socially awkward at the time I assumed I was simply being too sensitive or that I was overreacting to the various things she did and said and that I should be a better friend. And I pushed it aside.
Things came to a head in early 2010 when my father was in the hospital nearly dying (He is fine now, he's alive and doing fair well) of complications from surgery meant to save him from lung cancer. The first day she was supportive and caring.. but when things took a turn for the worse and I really needed the additional emotional support she was completely gone. The void was huge for me as she had been my best friend for years and years! I had done my best to be there for her when she was going through hard times. She ignored my every message I sent online as well as texts I sent her via phone. This went on for a week before she finally replied.
"Jo, you wear me out. I need a break from you."
That was the end of our friendship. I clung to it for a month or two more before finally deciding to rid myself of the toxic friendship.
Fast forward two-three years and again I find myself getting into similar relationships. People who claimed to understand things like anxiety, anxiety attacks and various neuroses and yet...
I may add more details later, but I overall want to say that no matter how lonely you are, no friends are better than bad friends.
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