I'm not dead... been busy.
....kay, i'm sorry. This is gonna have to be a serious post. I'm sorry. As though anyone really reads my crappy blog that might as well just get called a ripoff of all the shit I read on the internet. I'm sorry to anyone who hates reading emo, depressed, self-pitying shit. But sometimes you just gotta write it. If you don't like it, be among the other 6 billion who will never know who I am, or anything about me.
I'm tired of feeling like a waste of space, air and anything else I unintentionally take up.
I'm tired of feeling like every time I try to help ANY-friggen-ONE, all it does is backfire and make people think I'm a know-it-all.
I'm tired of the anxiety I feel every day.
I'm tired of being unable to break out of patterns I know are detrimental towards not only me, but those around me.
I'm tired of never being good enough.
I'm tired of being the one that always says the wrong thing.
I'm tired of being the one that no one really seems to want to talk to.
I'm tired of being a burden on my family.
I'm tired of being passed over.
I'm tired of being GLAD that I've been passed over.
And over all? I'm sick and FUCKING tired of being trapped in my own head, and trying to figure out if something I do is because of how my brain is warped... or if it's me. When I KNOW that there's no separating the two.
I just want to not hate myself so much. I know this world isn't where I need to put my stock... but I'd at least settle for not wanting to just jump into traffic at rush hour. I at least want to not make my brother hate me so much... I don't WANT to rely on him for so much. But the truth is, and I wish I could make him understand... I really CAN'T stop. No matter how hard I try, unless/until some blessed thing like a car wreck takes me out.. i can't stop. I wish I could. I want to be a good sister, daughter, friend, student, example... hell. Even a good PET OWNER. But I can't even do that. I want to be selfless. But just how many times I put the word 'I' in this post.... I want to stop existing. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll have an aneurysm sometime soon.
