What's this?
Raised eyebrow. Smirk of victory? Perhaps.
Well. A lot has happened in the last couple of months, in many, many ways. Most notably? I gained a bit of weight back. But the new year marks the end of my Christmas haul of sweets--Ugh, I want more sugar cookie cutouts! Only got FOUR on our family's annual tray of assortments--and also hopefully me and my mother snapping back into a workout routine.
Okay maybe not so noticeable but the scale keeps judging me. Cheeky little measuring machine.
Perhaps MORE noticeable than my weight gain is the fact that I not only walked into Mordor, I chucked the ring and came home!
Translation: I endured 9 months of panic attacks and crying in the bathrooms of my school and came out with the certification I slaved away for every day and hour in that school. I now have letters after my name! CPC-A to be specific :D I'M ALL CREDENTIALED AND STUFF! It's amazing, and I still haven't quite digested that fact yet. I've been so used to feeling useless and depressed that it's hard to really let a good thing sink in sometimes, y'know?
The certification is just one more step so far. I'm going through what my mother's identified as a 'change of life' transition, and dealing with that hasn't been easy. While I'm glad that I have endured school for as long as I have and excelled at it, breaking the routine I set when I was doing so has been hell on the OCD centers of my brain. Any sort of change is bad enough, but going through a change of lifestyle has been very, VERY hard to swallow.
Admittedly I am quite afraid of going into the workforce. I have never done it, the closest I've ever really done is volunteering part time at the local hospital. I've become all too familiar with my responses when I have to spend up to 6 hrs a day for 5 days out of the week amongst a large group of people/coworker types and ... I'm afraid that I won't be able to measure up. I can't really see myself spending every day of my life agonizing over my performance, what other people are whispering about me, and hiding in a bathroom stall so I can cry my eyes out. Everyone I talk to says it's a lot different than it is in school, that I'll be far more left alone than I would be in a school situation. I'm still finding myself panicking a bit whenever I think about it.
I don't want to be a burden on my family, not financially or in any other way. So... panicked and terrified or not, I am at least going to give being a productive member of society my best shot. I hope that I can succeed at this. I know I'm not normal, I don't process things the same way that others do. But... dammit I've been through college and trade school and succeeded pretty damn well at them. However miserable I was. If I can't make it out there... well. I can try to publish or self publish a novel and see how that does... but otherwise..
I'll figure something out.
Anyhoo! Doing lots of praying, and watching lots of TV. ...aaand staying up to unbelievable hours. Frig, I was up till 6AM yesterday. I guess at some point my system will get into a sleep pattern that isn't wibbley wobbley.
Pokemon until I pass out? I believe so.
