Dear Disposable Razors

SUUUUUUUUCK

 

Dear Disposable Razors,

YOU SUCK.

I cut my finger on one last night. Ow.

Dear Stupid People

Dear Stupid People,

This letter is addressed to the following kind of stupid:

• People who text in traffic.
• People who text in traffic and flip ME off when I honk at them.
• Twilight Fans
• Vegans/Vegetarians who 'don't eat meat because it's cruel to the animals' and yet still eat Jell-O and Marshmallows or wear leather/faux leather apparel.
• The brain trust behind the Jackass movies. 
• People on the internet who have access to spellcheck and yet STILL type like this 'hi how r u? lol' And think that it's a quicker way to type. (Guess what. It isn't. Because then you gotta type it AGAIN the RIGHT way to get my attention.)
• Twilight Fans (Worth mentioning twice.)
• Politicians
• Parents who blame their kids' bad behavior on violent movies and video games, when they are the ones buying them these things.
• Paris Hilton
• The "Real" Housewives of whatever-city-they're-in-now.
• George Lucas
• The USA's Accountant
• Chuck Norris
• Any other stupid types I forgot to mention.

You are warned.

THE SLAPPING TROUT

The Slappin' Trout will find you.

Love Jo

Dear Craig Ferguson

Dear Craig Ferguson,

First and foremost, let me say that I greatly enjoy your comedy. I adore Scotsmen and I even set my satellite's autotune to your newest special.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Ferguson! I adored the special! It was just as, if not more entertaining than your previous ones. I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time, and it was just what I needed after a few weeks of emotional and hormonal turmoil and doing battle with a life change.

But, for all I enjoyed every minute of your special... I find I must ask you to do ONE thing.

PLEASE TO BE EXPLAINING THIS:

There are three questions I have regarding this particular bit of your routine.

1: WTF is up with the black dude and the gay dude?
2: Why Britney Spears?
3: Is there ANY way I could request that you come and do this for me live for my next birthday? (July 18th. ;3)

Your loving fan,

Jo

I LIVE! AND I'M HUNGRY.

Wow, I haven't posted in awhile. Let's try to update all at once:

Graduated college
Started Jobhunting
Still Jobhunting
...More Jobhunting
Grandmother had surgery
Dad had surgery
I got distracted by World of Warcraft some more.

What else? Uh. No clue. I'll start writing my letters again soon.

-Jo

Dear College

Dear College (Not just my own college, any college. In fact, College Education in general),

You are like a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend! And here's why:

1. You don't want me to pay attention to anyone but you.
2. You do nothing but drill uninteresting and largely unwanted information into my earholes...
3. You are a gold digger! All you ever want is for me to pay more and more money for things that should not cost as much as they do! You do not NEED to have nice things!

And finally:
4. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CRAWL UNDER MY BED AND SLEEP FOR A MONTH. I NEED TO SLEEP. IF I DON'T SLEEP, I GET CRANKY AND UNPLEASANT AND NO ONE LIKES ME.

I only have this to say:

IN SEPTEMBER I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU. IT IS NOT ME, IT'S YOU. I AM NOT COMING BACK AND I WANT THOSE 2 YEARS OF MY LIFE BACK.

Love, Jo.

Dear Panera Bread

Dear Panera Bread,

There are only so many ways to express affection. Especially to something that is not human, but to something that has no real defineable classification. Some would say you are a simple restaurant, but I believe you are more than that. You serve healthy food at reasonable prices that actually TASTES GOOD. You give me free food every now and then when I use my rewards card, and it makes my day.

It's simple things like that which inspire the deepest love and loyalty. <3

Panera Bread, I luv you.

Love Jo

Dear Animal Planet

Dear Animal Planet,

As you know, I normally have no beef with you other than the 'STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT DONATING MONEY I DON'T HAVE TO THE ASPCA!' thing. But for this recent annoyance, I have to say something.

BIGFOOT DOES NOT EXIST. YOU ARE PUTTING FALSEHOODS AND STUPIDITY ON YOUR CHANNEL. STOP IT NOW.

If you're gonna go after make believe creatures, there are much more interesting ones to pursue! Loch Ness! Leprechauns! Intelligent Twilight Fans!

Sasquatch simply do not exist. And I don't care if you believe that they do, it's silly. The most sasquatch is good for is selling beef jerky at this point. If you're going to believe in a fake creature, at least make it interesting, for Pete's sake... Zombies, Vampires, Werewolves, Faeries, Unicorns... all of these share one commonality: THEY ARE FUN TO THINK ABOUT. Sasquatch? They're hairy, smelly and ugly. Even if it is the 'missing link' between humans and monkeys, who cares? What good will it do at this point in time? NOOOTHIIIIIING.

See, now if you had discovered UNICORNS?! That's a valid scientific find since the rumors are that their horns can purify the dirtiest water and cure disease. What can a ''squatch'' cure?

....Don't got it? Lemme give ya a hint:


NOOOOOOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Now if we put the money spent on research into things like Ghosts and stupid things like Bigfoot, we would have cured AIDS by now, I swear. Got no priorities these folks...

Anyway. S'all I got. GOODNIGHT.

Love Jo